Tuesday, August 19, 2008
How to Act Like My Cats
Want early morning company and a full cat crunchies bowl? Get Dubby to put his big extra-toed paws on a human face.If that doesn't wake me up, start purring loudly then lean over and bite a nose with tiny kitty teeth.
Need your water dish filled in the Study bathroom? Put both front paws in the bowl then wail as though your tail is being pulled by a Ford truck.
Wait a few minutes after we fall asleep, get Whistle to run into our bedroom and cry out with such misery and grief the entire Angst of the Planet is summarized.If asked "Whistle, what's the matter?", look surprised and saunter out of the room. Do this several times then leave the room and play with a toy mouse.Repeat every night for two weeks then stop for three nights. Repeat.
Pretend you are Fish. Refuse to eat your cat crunchies out of the nice, clean bowl. Pull a cat crunchy out of the bowl onto the kitchen floor with your paw. Eat off floor. Repeat.
Never allow the beds to have smooth covers. Crawl underneath the bed covers and sleep. Use your paws to lift the sheets so that new, really stylin' sheets get torn with tiny holes. Repeat.
If you see someone reading the newspaper while drinking coffee at the kitchen counter, either sit on the newspaper or stand with your tail over the coffee mug. Look surprised when asked to move away.
Is it dark outside? Are the people asleep? Find something to push off the buffet in the dining room, a bookcase in the study, the bathroom counter, just anything which will break. Ask yourself, what makes the loudest and most disturbing noise? Glass or ceramics are good, but a book falling to the floor works, too.
Be like Dubby and stand on the kitchen desk in front of the window. Wait until a car arrives. Framed by the window, you look adorable and welcoming.
Find a trashcan, any house trash can will do. Tip it over. Pull out the trash, doesn't matter what you find. Spread it on the floor. No one has put food trash in a house trashcan since 1983, but, still, you can search. Dream of the day they forget to put the kitchen trash can inside the cabinet.
Tired? Bored? Stressed? Find Sister the Dog. Climb all over her big yellow lab body. Clean her ears. Lick her face. Fall down next to her and nap. Solves. Every. Problem. Everytime.
Did someone go into a bathroom and close the door? Didn't invite you? Stand outside the door and howl. Then stand up on your back legs and try to scratch the door off the hinges. Howl more. Stick your paw underneath the door and try to get the person's attention. Howl more. If invited in to stop the howling, beg to get out of the room quickly. Repeat.
Hey! I love them anyway,