Tuesday, August 19, 2008

How to Act Like My Cats

Want early morning company and a full cat crunchies bowl? Get Dubby to put his big extra-toed paws on a human face.If that doesn't wake me up, start purring loudly then lean over and bite a nose with tiny kitty teeth.

Need your water dish filled in the Study bathroom? Put both front paws in the bowl then wail as though your tail is being pulled by a Ford truck.

Wait a few minutes after we fall asleep, get Whistle to run into our bedroom and cry out with such misery and grief the entire Angst of the Planet is summarized.If asked "Whistle, what's the matter?", look surprised and saunter out of the room. Do this several times then leave the room and play with a toy mouse.Repeat every night for two weeks then stop for three nights. Repeat.

Pretend you are Fish. Refuse to eat your cat crunchies out of the nice, clean bowl. Pull a cat crunchy out of the bowl onto the kitchen floor with your paw. Eat off floor. Repeat.

Never allow the beds to have smooth covers. Crawl underneath the bed covers and sleep. Use your paws to lift the sheets so that new, really stylin' sheets get torn with tiny holes. Repeat.

If you see someone reading the newspaper while drinking coffee at the kitchen counter, either sit on the newspaper or stand with your tail over the coffee mug. Look surprised when asked to move away.

Is it dark outside? Are the people asleep? Find something to push off the buffet in the dining room, a bookcase in the study, the bathroom counter, just anything which will break. Ask yourself, what makes the loudest and most disturbing noise? Glass or ceramics are good, but a book falling to the floor works, too.

Be like Dubby and stand on the kitchen desk in front of the window. Wait until a car arrives. Framed by the window, you look adorable and welcoming.

Find a trashcan, any house trash can will do. Tip it over. Pull out the trash, doesn't matter what you find. Spread it on the floor. No one has put food trash in a house trashcan since 1983, but, still, you can search. Dream of the day they forget to put the kitchen trash can inside the cabinet.

Tired? Bored? Stressed? Find Sister the Dog. Climb all over her big yellow lab body. Clean her ears. Lick her face. Fall down next to her and nap. Solves. Every. Problem. Everytime.

Did someone go into a bathroom and close the door? Didn't invite you? Stand outside the door and howl. Then stand up on your back legs and try to scratch the door off the hinges. Howl more. Stick your paw underneath the door and try to get the person's attention. Howl more. If invited in to stop the howling, beg to get out of the room quickly. Repeat.

Hey! I love them anyway,



Princess of Everything (and then some) said...


My cat thinks that we torture her by not letting her into the bathroom. She thinks that we are doing all sorts of worderful things in there and just not letting her have any fun.

MacThumper said...

A bored, "husky" cat using your stomach as a trampoline is an experience to be avoided- even if he nails the landing!

Songbird said...

Baby's latest favorite is sleeping on my throat...

Questing Parson said...

I tried a few of these. They didn't help. Ms. Parson just told me to go outside and play in the sandbox.

Susan Olson said...

Reason #999 why I try to limit my cats' use of the internet. If they were to discover these, there'd be more tricks in their arsenal.

sherry said...

How to act like my son's cat, (named Bad Boy or BB):

At son's bedtime insist upon one's own bowl of food in son's room.
Eat loudly while daddy is reading bedtime stories.
Once Daddy has fallen asleep reading and is snoring, jump onto his groin area from across the room.
Purr loudly while son laughs hysterically at Daddy's reaction to the jump.
Rinse, Wash, Repeat

Erin said...


1-4 Grace said...

Yeah, we do love them anyway, but
Mugsy's need to knead in my hair late at night or early inthe morning promotes grumpiness when I arrive at work. His toe nials need trimming.
Melech's desire to sit in my lap when i have my laptop in my lap is not fun. Ever try typing on a laptop sideways or with hte cat's head obstructing your view?
Mugsy also prefers to chase down his dry food, one kibble at a time before eating it...so strange hwo the wild instinct is still there despite many generations of domestic life.
I get nose and toe bites too!
But, love 'em, love 'em, love 'em

1-4 Grace said...

knocking Momma's watch off the night stand to get her up is fun and then...making sure it goes under the bed is better cause then she hasta get on her hands and knees and climb around to find it before going to work.
I rather like opening the oven drawer that is under the oven and searchign to see if there is a secret passage way...still looking

~Mad said...

Look at human and invite her to pet my head - the only place you are allowed to touch me anymore. I am O.L.D!

Then after one swift "pat", hiss and swat ( ! )

Did I say I was O.L.D?

~LucyB ( 23 year old - no lie - calico in Alabama)

Sue said...

Clearly our cats went to the same skool. Prof. Whiskers has taught them all very well.

Deb said...

I am dying... this was TOOO funny. Must read it to my cats (who will probably do the cat version of a teenager eye roll...)

Thanks for the smile...


P.S. Been praying for you since we narrowly escaped Fay when she took a dogleg to the west. I promise I didn't wish her on you!!!