Dear Sheryl Crow,
You don't know me but I heard that you want us to use one square of toilet tissue when we go to the loo.
Thanks a bunch.
I believe you would encourage us better by following my method.* First take all the paper trash in your home (mail, cereal box paper, Kleenex) and place in a large Sun Tea Jar. Let the water warm over several days and turn the paper into mush. Do not use paper with glue until you've licked off all the glue or removed it with a knife. Compost the glue residue from boxes, etc.
Pour the water out of the Sun Tea Jar. Take the paper mush and squeeze out the water until you can roll out the mush into sheets. Let these sheets air dry with solar energy.
Next, take the empty bag from a breakfast cereal box and fill with rainwater. Empty out the water and let the bag air dry. Tear old t-shirts into 6" squares. Place the clean wax bag from the breakfast cereal and the t-shirt squares into your purse.
When nature calls you to give back to the earth in a profound and elemental way, use the t-shirt squares to freshen yourself. Place the soiled squares into the cereal bag. Put back into your purse.
When the bag is full or people notice that you are carrying a bag of soiled torn up t-shirt pieces, take out the squares and soak them in a soapy water mixture in a large glass jar. Let the sun warm the soapy water. Agitate the jar when you feel like it. After several days, add the soapy water to your compost heap. Take out the squares and dry them in the sun.
Take the mushed dry paper and write a poem about out doing Sheryl Crow.
*I made this up.