Thursday, April 06, 2006

If you, Ms.Layperson (or Mr. or Dr., etc.) redesigned the sanctuary of your church, what would you add?

Here's what I think:

1. Have DVD players in each pew on the hymn book rack.
2. Put foot warmers w/massage on the kneeler.
3. Have a cup holder for coffee, water bottle or soda can.
4. Have a micro-chip sound of applause when your quarter hits the offering plate.
5. Have signal buttons in front of each worshipper to let the preacher know to slow down, speed up or just quit.
6. Put Sharper Image type massagers in each seat. Hard to listen when your back is sore...
7. Have a beautiful person in Armani give the announcements.
8. Have the Sunday newspaper in each pew.
9. Give each worshipper a Big Gold Star as they leave so they can let other less righteous people know that They Went to Church.
10. If the kid sitting behind you kicks the pew where you are sitting, push a button and eject him out of the sanctuary.

What can be added to this list?

St. C
"Ready for Passion Sunday. Ready for Palm Sunday. Ready for Holy Week".


peripateticpolarbear said...

Ti vo. Then you can replay the parts of the sermon that turned out to be really good, but you missed them because you were daydreaming about salmon.

Songbird said...

St. Casserole, have you seen the UCC's Ejector Seat ad? There is a link on my blog. (They're trying to say it's a bad thing, but you make a good case for it!)

Anonymous said...

1. no pews, only barcoloungers.
2. after opening prayers,the ritual passing out of the lattes and Krispy Kreme donuts.
3. professional singers in every pew to make the rest of us sound like we actually sing okay.
4. a fast forward button just in case the sermon starts to wander aimlessly off topic.
5. a sign over the coffee pot that says " we all feel terrible about your illness and will remember you in our prayers, but, please, no specific details of your surgery, your bowel movements, or other such bodily functions."


Purechristianithink said...

Better we should think about a redesigned chancel/pulpit area.

1. Fresh hot cappuccino on the little shelf in the pulpit instead of those cloudy glasses of room temp water.
2. Discreet rearview mirror for checking out what's going on in the choir loft behind you.
3. Remote zapper for jolting your own personal kids when you see them misbehaving in the back pew.
4.Large hook to pull away committee chair who just wanted to make a short announcement.
Other ideas???

cheesehead said...

i'm so struck dumb by your "ready, ready, ready" that I can't even think of what else to say!

hipastorzwife2B said...

So long as we're dreaming...
A sun roof - so that a sunbeam breaks into the sanctuary at just the "right moment".
Oh and perfect weather too.

mibi52 said...

...and something better than cheap tawny port for the wine...

Chateau Petrus, anyone?

Charlotte said...

I really like the hook for the announcements. But better wine would only encourage people to raid the sacristry.

I would love an industrial espresso machine for the social hall, especially for Easter Vigil which has a liturgical ministers call at 4:45 am. Or a smaller version for the sacristry :D.