Saturday, December 23, 2006

As Advent ends. I'd like to apologize to God one more time. I apologize for not trusting You to make a way when there was no way.

Every Advent, I recall the years when Mr. C. and I dreamed of having a child. I'd preach the text for tomorrow, Luke 1:45-55, the Magnificat. I'd study the words about Mary's joy over her holy pregnancy and weep over my lack of pregnancy. I wanted my soul to magnify the Lord not just because of the miracle of Jesus' birth but because my dream was to understand how Mary felt.

Infertility is just the pits. Those who want children can't have them while those who don't want a pregnancy get morning sickness and positive urine strips. Mr. C. and I went through all the fancy intrusive stuff but no baby.

I began to want to punch God out. Mad and sad and trying to be a good preacher whose words came from genuine faith not mad/sad.

While I understand that our ministry isn't about perfection or achievement, I felt huffy about this no baby thing.

I prayed for a child. God sent us a baby who is now the gigantic LS. When we met the attorney handling our adoption at the pick-up point, I could not believe how wonderful everything had become.

That Advent I understood part of what Mary felt because in my arms, I held a squirming warm child who was almost 1.

Eighteen months later, I became pregnant. I had two lovely weeks of knowing I was pregnant before I miscarried. During those two weeks, everything changed in our lives.

Then, it was over.

I understood Mary in a new way, again.

LD arrived through the amazing action of adoption. Could life be any better? How could we have two children when there was no way for us to have children?

So, I apologize for not trusting God to give us children. God found wonderful children for us who have enriched our lives more than we could imagine. Children so precious to us that we can't remember what life was life without them.

At 46, I had my second pregancy. A miscarriage followed not very long after I began to receive high risk medical care. I regretted losing this baby. Absolutely.

But, God answered our prayers with these two amazing children and I felt comforted.

My soul does magnify the Lord. My spirit does rejoice in God my savior. He has regarded me, in my lowly estate and provided good things for me.

God, I apologize for not trusting you to do more for us than we knew how to ask. Really.

Gratefully,

St. Casserole

21 comments:

will smama said...

Thank you for this poignant and touching window to your soul. How blessed am I that we got to spend some face-to-face time with each other this year. Merry Christmas friend.

Songbird said...

As your friend, and as an adoptee myself, thank you for this.
Love you,
Songbird

cheesehead said...

What Songbird said. To the letter.

Anonymous said...

Just last night, I blogged about the adoption of our first child. Blessings to you and your family.

Listing Straight said...

Wow. Thank you.

more cows than people said...

in the midst of these struggles myself- begging off preaching on the pregnancy passages, allowing instead for cute skits and lessons and carols- so, so grateful for this post. thank you.

Cathy said...

wow.....tears...

what a beautiful story... thank you.

reverendmother said...

This post makes me want to sing! With joy, anguish, and joy again.

I hope I get to meet the rest of your lovely family someday.

Christmas Blessings, St. Cass.

reverendmother said...

This post makes me want to sing! With joy, anguish, and joy again.

I hope I get to meet the rest of your lovely family someday.

Christmas Blessings, St. Cass.

Sue said...

Bless you St. C.

Anonymous said...

Dear St. C., thank you for sharing this. I was kind of wallowing in melancholy, as a single woman whose only pregnancy (when I was married) ended in an early miscarriage. Now as the reproductive stage of my life comes to an end, I mourn what never was and still occasionally wince in pain over Mary's joy.

Little David or Sarah would have been 25 now. May God continue to hold our lost little ones for us as we mother our other children and/or the children of the community into which God has placed each of us.

Bless you for your candor. It gave me peace this morning, as I get ready to work a really long day of worship and celebration.

((((((((St. Casserole))))))))

Kathryn said...

With psalmist as we pray for all our lost babes (3 here too)- and in gratitude for this post, and for all you share with us. Much love at Christmas and beyond xxx

1-4 Grace said...

Thnaks for sharing such a touching and beautiful story!

Anonymous said...

What can I say that has not already been said?
(((St. Cas)))

Anonymous said...

Count me with Songbird and Cheesehead... and adoptee, your friend, grateful for the ponderings of your heart in this blog.

Mags

Mary Beth said...

Just lovely. As "only" a stepmama, I have shared some of that pain and also the exaltation.

Thank you, thank you. You are a gift!

revabi said...

What a great post from your heart.

I don't do Mary very well either for similar reasons.

PPB said...

(o)

TheoOnTapintheBurg said...

My beautiful Mr. Burg is adopted. I never cease to be grateful to his parents. They have blessed me too.

Thanks for sharing your soul.

hipastorzwife2B said...

I remember with tears the advent after we lost ours.
Each advent is very deep for us.

mid-life rookie said...

Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts. manBoy came to us through adoption too. I remember those hard Christmases and Mother's Days when we longed for a baby so much it hurt. I also remember the cold and rainy December day when manBoy's birthmother placed him in my arms. I have seen selfless love. We talked to her last week. We don't get to see her much since she moved almost to the North Pole. We sent manBoy's poem printed and framed for Christmas. Thanks again for sharing your story and reminding me of our blessing.