As Advent ends. I'd like to apologize to God one more time. I apologize for not trusting You to make a way when there was no way.
Every Advent, I recall the years when Mr. C. and I dreamed of having a child. I'd preach the text for tomorrow, Luke 1:45-55, the Magnificat. I'd study the words about Mary's joy over her holy pregnancy and weep over my lack of pregnancy. I wanted my soul to magnify the Lord not just because of the miracle of Jesus' birth but because my dream was to understand how Mary felt.
Infertility is just the pits. Those who want children can't have them while those who don't want a pregnancy get morning sickness and positive urine strips. Mr. C. and I went through all the fancy intrusive stuff but no baby.
I began to want to punch God out. Mad and sad and trying to be a good preacher whose words came from genuine faith not mad/sad.
While I understand that our ministry isn't about perfection or achievement, I felt huffy about this no baby thing.
I prayed for a child. God sent us a baby who is now the gigantic LS. When we met the attorney handling our adoption at the pick-up point, I could not believe how wonderful everything had become.
That Advent I understood part of what Mary felt because in my arms, I held a squirming warm child who was almost 1.
Eighteen months later, I became pregnant. I had two lovely weeks of knowing I was pregnant before I miscarried. During those two weeks, everything changed in our lives.
Then, it was over.
I understood Mary in a new way, again.
LD arrived through the amazing action of adoption. Could life be any better? How could we have two children when there was no way for us to have children?
So, I apologize for not trusting God to give us children. God found wonderful children for us who have enriched our lives more than we could imagine. Children so precious to us that we can't remember what life was life without them.
At 46, I had my second pregancy. A miscarriage followed not very long after I began to receive high risk medical care. I regretted losing this baby. Absolutely.
But, God answered our prayers with these two amazing children and I felt comforted.
My soul does magnify the Lord. My spirit does rejoice in God my savior. He has regarded me, in my lowly estate and provided good things for me.
God, I apologize for not trusting you to do more for us than we knew how to ask. Really.