Wednesday, July 27, 2005

The Way I See It

When God, the Creator of the Earth, the Sun and All that is, even us, created the Deep South God meant for us to live this way during August:

1. All roofers and outdoor laborers would go shelve library books in the air conditioning. All library personnel go home to read all the books they can't get to during the year or take vacations. Pay remains the same for all. Construction Companies management go on vacation for August.

2. No Moms give birth during August as it is too hot to carry around the extra heft.

3. All mosquitos die in February and never return. Gnats, too.

4. No men wear long sleeved shirts, ties and undershirts to work. No women wear panty hose or anything uncomfortable like tight clothing or girdles/grippies/Hold'ems. Lightweight natural fabrics like linen (no ironing, either!), cotton and nekkidness are the fashion.

5. Everyone has access to outdoor bathtubs with privacy and swimming pools. Everyone learns to swim so no one drowns. No one dives headfirst into water of unknown depth.

6. August becomes the month to let grass and weeds "rest" from cutting and pruning. It would be louche to use power tools on greenery.

7. No child goes to school. All schools remain empty for the month. Teachers, administrators and staff go on vacation.

8. Diets turn from heavy foods to very light meals featuring home-grown tomatos, Silver Queen corn and local fruit. All grocery store peaches are prohibited until 2078.

9. Ice cream is viewed as a suitable dinner along with banana popscicles and other ice cream novelities of one's choice.

10. All famous "Winter" movies are featured on TV while any shot of the Sahara Desert or beach movies are shown in cold months.

11. Every family has easy access to ice machines with plenty of ice. Iced coffee is preferred over hot coffee.

12. Any woman having "power surges" during August may either blast out her family, take a turn as a bill collector for businesses or simply do what she durn well pleases without comment from anyone.

Think about it. Doesn't this sound like God's purposes for us in August?

St. Casserole


revmom/cheesehead said...

I love this list!

In other words, we live like Europe does in August.

Aola said...

hmmmm...kinda sounds like what goes on at our house in August.

reverendmother said...

As it is in this list, is now and ever should be, world without end.

Natala said...

"9. Ice cream is viewed as a suitable dinner along with banana popscicles and other ice cream novelities of one's choice."

i think i may make this a new rule.
this is a wonderful list :)

annie said...

sounds good to me!

Kathryn said...

Wish Europe in this context included the UK...It feels horribly nonAugust like here right now,both in terms of weather and in terms of lack of jolly holiday happenings. I think I want my children to downsize and need me to play with them while schools are on holiday...

Lorna said...

Kathryn it isn't August in Europe yet.

Here in Finland schools go back on August 15th - which should be against the law. The fact that they have been closed since June 4th should not make a scrap of difference.

Loved the idea of ice cream lunches and NO Mosquitoes, but no shop peaches :( No, that isn't what God intended for Scandinavia I'm sure of that :)

PPB said...

I would definitely second that emotion. Can we keep colleges from opening in August, as well, though? The boys are just about back on campus--next Friday I think---for Football pre-season. Really, one would think that someone smart enough to get into college would also be smart enough not to run around outside in August.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

From your lips to God's ear! I think we are all looking for peaceful. It is been scarce lately.

Quotidian Grace said...

And August is this coming Monday! Your list is just in time.

Poor Mad Peter said...

Deep South? We can use this on the shores of Lake Superior, too! Add "blackflies, no-see-ums and horse flies and deer flies" to #2, please.

Friday Mom said...

Re: #10 on your list.... AM and I have a "Fargo" party every year around July 4. We turn the ac down low, have friends come dressed in winter clothes, make chili for dinner, and drink hot chocolate while we watch the oh-so wintery movie, "Fargo." It cools us off everytime.

Jane Ellen+ said...

yeah, baby-- sign me up!

Gord said...

Works for me that's for sure.